[Days 120 - 121] Snake Hearts, TeiTei Throats, Monkey Brains

A song that everyone needs to hear...


Well, today's Tuesday June 9th. My lil sis Ali joined us 1 week ago, and we've initiated her into this wild life properly...Greece is a crazy place! I'm writing this in Athens, and the Bartender at our hostel said a couple months ago, police officers gunned down a kid and left him to die, and since that night, about every 2 weeks there is a riot. We've been seeing Greeks dressed in camouflage outfits... we thought they were military, but the bartender informed they're riot cops! The entire city is covered in grafitti... things like "fuck the police" written on monuments. Don't worry, it sounds much worse than it is, and in 20 minutes we're jumping on a charter bus bound for the infamous Pink Palace Resort on Corfu Island!
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*THE FOLLOWING IS PRIMAL! BARBARIC! THE VIDEO IS NO JOKE! IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, DON'T WATCH IT! IF YOU'RE PART OF P.E.D.A., GET A LIFE! It was one of the supremely exotic times that really made it clear I was far away from home, and that people around the world live under much different standards, which, in itself, is awesome. I'm glad I did it, but don't ever need to do it again. Ever.

Day before Chinese New Year I go to 'Snake Village.' Minivan takes us 4 guys (1 New Yorker, 1 Colombian, 1 Englishman, me) down Hanoi's Broadway. He turns down a sidestreet and we see several half-finished 2 story buildings with dead snakes hanging on hooks. Park. Approach an open-air restaurant called 'Snake Village.' The entrance path is dirt, and the concrete walls were once painted white. Walk a few steps inside. We pass the kitchen—big doubledoor opening is doorless, revealing a long room; in the center is a long island with tile-counter-tops, above which meat hooks and preparing knives hang; 2 big plastic barrels stand in the back left corner. Laying on the ground in front of me is a tattered mesh sack filled with writhing snakes.

The hostess grabs my attention. She brings the 4 of us to a table, and on the way I see 5 big parties spread out around the restaurant, all of which are laughing loud, apparently having a grand 'ol time...

Hostess seats us with complimentary beer and a bottle of snake wine (snake wine is rice wine that they've fermented a snake in). We're manic, chain-smoking not sure what's going to happen. Hostess returns “you like snake cu' here or in back room?” Heya bring it here! and she smiles off to the kitchen.

Suddenly a man appears holding a flippant snake—right hand pinches the mouth while left grips the tail end. Another man appears with a jug of rice wine, then hostess appears with a stainless-steel tray, on which 2 tall glasses, 4 shooters, and a knife rest. The man holding the snake curls its head back, pours ricewine on the underbelly (disinfectant?), then slits it open. He wrings most the animals blood into a tall glass, then prys for the heart which drops into a shooter. He shows it to us still beating. The hostess adds rice wine, then offers it to drink—I grab it & feel the heart beat upon my tongue before I swallow: feel something uncanny, like in high school, just before gametime when your team is in the locker room, roaring and flexing and jumping, overwhelming yourselves in adrenaline... the pinnacle of that scene—a rush of pure testosterone or rabid strength—no feeling like it. Now I understand why war-tribes eat their enemy's hearts. Then the New Yorker gets offered the liver, and he does it quick and remarks a similar feeling. Hostess puts the glass of blood on our table and we do shooters of fresh snake blood, discuss the feeling, and chase everything with beer. The 3 employees return to kitchen and we just sit around trying to take in what just happened.

Suddenly a Vietnamese kid appears, early 20s, speaking English—many countries don't teach English in school: locals pick it up from tourists, and thereby love just talking for practice—this is overtly the case. He asks where we're all from, how we're enjoying his country, etc, then explains how he's at another table with his father's friends. He inquires about the restaurant, and we communicate astonishment—he cracks up. After a few minutes he returns to his table.

Hostess appears with a tray of dishes. She sets down a bowl says “Snake skin soup” oh great thanks! She sets down another bowl “Snake bone soup” oh wow thanks! a dish “Fry snake skin” Mmm great! another dish “Snake skin in rice leaf” perfect! a final dish “Grill snake rib” alright! We sample everything and it's all good, the freshest meat possible. Then the Vietnamese kid returns “Hey guy follow me.”

We walk to kitchen entrance. A group of locals stand in a circle. I squeeze through to catch the action—a man is holding the tail of an armadillo-like animal (kid calls it a TeiTei)—hard plated skin, squat round body, long snout, brown, terrified so it's trying to roll into a ball, but the guy's gripping it's tail so it's only capable of rolling half way. A line of blue paint marks it's spine. All the locals are joking and talking pub-like. Employee sets critter on ground, and it rolls up quick, so he kicks it like a soccer ball, then another man nudges it back, and they're all laughing as do this over and over. We're obviously weirded out. Employee picks it up again, then yo-yos it right at me! and I freak out thinking I'm gonna get bit, but the poor TeiTei's so scared it can't open it's mouth, it just returns to a half-ball.
“Fuck this shit” return to the table, manic chain-smoking not sure what's going to happen. 10 minutes pass. Shooters of snake-wine. 20 minutes. Kid appears again and we laugh out awkward responses “Haha OK guy follow me” what.

We return to the kitchen. Same scene: circle of locals watching hellraiser hold the terrified TeiTei. Then another guy brings a knee-high red bucket and big butcher knife, which hellraiser picks up and conks the animal on the head. It unrolls limp so he holds it over the bucket and gorges open it's jugular, blood gushes out filling bucket more than 6 inches high. Another man adds rice-wine, and carries the concoction to the kid's table. Woah.

We return to our table, and shortly after kid appears to invite us over. Now around his table, he informs that the men are his father and uncles, all of whom are drunk as us. The kid talks to them in Vietnamese, I assume explaining how we feel about the whole thing because when he finished, they all looked at us and howled. They pour us each a TeiTei blood shooter and down the hatch it goes. Cool guys! Thanks for the hospitality!


We return to our table stunned. After a few words, I walk to the kitchen and see a woman removing the TeiTei from a boiling pot. It's ghost white, and they start skinning it. I almost chuck and return to my table. After 30 minutes, hostess walks by us carrying a large tray. Shorty after, the kid appears with the same tray, says it is the animal and invites us to try it, and it's great. Then we get really smashed.

I wake next day and go downstairs for free breakfast. A hostel employee, a guy from Colorado, remarks my mangled appearance and asks how my night was. I tell him the story and he says “Yeah man we go there often actually. Free booze. Cheap food. We're all immune to the snake stuff. Never heard of 'em doing that with that animal, but I'm not surprised. You should check out the dog district.” Bro you're kidding me the 'dog district'? “Yeah man, they got skinned dogs hangin on meat hooks for you to buy. But that's not even the worst part. Apparently dog meat tastes best when it's full of adrenaline, so the butchers scare the shit out of the dogs right before they kill them.” Woah. So you live in Hanoi. Bet you've seen some crazy stuff. Tell me a story amigo. (the following situation was first told to me by a Danish guy when we were in New Zealand, and 2 months later, in Cambodia, an Australian girl would tell me her uncle actually did it)
“Last month I met up with 5 buddies in Hong Kong. They'd been backpacking through South China and were at the end of their trip, and they told me that in this remote town, they all ate dinner at a Benihanna-style restaurant. Check it out: they sat around the table with several locals. In the center of the table was a big empty pot heating on a burner. All of a sudden they brought out a live monkey and threw it in the pot! They latched a lid and let the monkey bake and it was screaming and scrambling as it died, and during this the locals were drinking being careless and merry. Then, right when it the pot went silent, an employee pulled out the dying monkey, sliced it's brainstem, cut open the scalp and they ate the brain while it was still alive. It was safe because the blood had gotten so hot it boiled the animal's inside.”

Amazing.